‘X Factor’ Week 5 Club Classics – Live Blog

Posted by Finn Orchard on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 · Leave a Comment 

Can The X Factor get any more dramatic than last weekend’s Kelly Rowland-less show? With a Club Classics theme night, anything is possible, but we’re hoping for the time being that the name changes, band alterations and judges’ switcheroos have been dealt with.

Who will prosper this evening? Can Frankie Cocozza hit back at his haters with a euphoric club banger? What will Johnny sing? And how crazy can Kitty possibly go – bring on the smiley T-shirts!

Digital Spy will be live blogging the action all evening, so stick with us for updates and punditry throughout the show.

Share your views on the night’s events at the bottom of the page and by popping tweets over to @dsrealitybites. If they’re funny, we might even give them a mention.

21:36: Time for Olly’s bulge and Caroline’s legs on the Xtra Factor, which means it’s time for us to say goodbye. I hope you enjoyed the show as much as I did. I think Marcus, Little Mix and Misha are safe. Everyone else should be very scared. And Frankie, I’d start packing up your hair gel and clothes, just, you know… ahem… in case. Night, night!

21:29: Little Mix coming up on the outside to steal the show at the last. Again. A great production. And I’m dead chuffed that they’ve finally been given some proper styling and ditched the dragged-through-Primark-sale-backwards look. All the judges love it, but Kelly suggests that they should have sung ‘Don’t Stop The Music’ a cappella. Erm, Kelly, it was Club Classics night? There’s a reason nobody did ballads or whipped out an acoustic guitar tonight.

21:26: X Factor attempts to give the individual Little Mix-ers a bit more identity by telling us where they come from in the country and showing us childhood photos. It’s not happening. I still recognise them as “the blonde one”, the “good singer”, the “one we’re not allowed to be mean about” and the “other one”. They are very, very good though. So do we actually need to know their names?

21:21: Little Mix are the only act left to perform. At the moment, Misha B and Marcus are stealing the show. Anyone from Craig, The Risk, Kitty, Johnny, Frankie and Janet could be in trouble as far as I’m concerned. There’s destined to be a ‘shock’ of sorts tomorrow night. Nobody is safe. The man who counts the pennies on ITV’s phonelines must be rubbing his hands with glee.

20:17: Misha B’s up next. She’s not my cup of tea, but surely she can’t be in the bottom two again this week. Or is that the bottom three, what with it being a double elimination? She covers Proud Mary and anyone who covers Tina Turner is going to get some seal clapping and love from Louis Walsh. A close contender for act of the night. Probably just second behind Louis Walsh.

20:15: I’d have loved to have seen what the judges got up to in that ad break. It was all a bit EastEnders. “Kelly, you slaaaaag”. “Louis, get outta my pub!!”

21:11: The harmony between the judges is out of the window. Louis looks like he’s about to throttle Kelly. Kelly looks like she wants to kick Louis in the nuts. Kelly is fuming at Louis’s “You will never be a rock star comment”. Louis barks and screams and points his finger a lot. “At least I’m here every week…. I’m not playing for the cameras.” Oof. Things just got tasty.

21:07: It’s all kicking off again. All. Kicking. Off. “You are not a rock star and never will be a rock star,” warns Louis. Hurrah. Gary tells him to get “back into his cage” and calls the crowd’s boos “disgusting”. It is disgusting, Gazza. But so is bragging about “banging girls”.

21:05: What else is there to say about Frankie Cock-a-load-a-this-ladies-ozza. Well, at least the GUM clinics of London town are given a night off. And just when you think things can’t get any worse, he covers the Black Eyed Peas. Ugh.

20:59: Kitty belts out ‘Like A Prayer’ and has Louis Walsh singing along. I bet Louis belts that out in the shower every morning. She does a costume change midway through and reveals a glittering leotard. Gary describes it as a “Bucks Fizz moment”. It’s a belting performance, although I agree with Mr Barlow – she can’t dance. That was like a WKD-razzled hag boogie-ing around a Flares spinning dancefloor. Stick to the melodramatic, Kitty. Avoid the disco shuffling.

20:57: Apologies in advance, but I love Kitty Brucknell. There, I said it. I feel like I’ve been to an AA meeting. I’m cleansed. She’s covering Madonna and she’s invented a new mantra, “What would Kitty do?”. I think she’s effectively comparing herself to Jesus by using that line. Amazing.

20:54: Steady yourselves people. Up next we have Frankie and Kitty. A chance for a toilet break or the highlight of the evening?

20:47: Songs I didn’t expect to hear on The X Factor tonight, number 7: ‘Reet Petite’ by Jackie Wilson. But fair play to Marcus, he’s nailed it. He’s a definite contender now and the judges agree. I think he’s moved way ahead of Craig in the pecking order now. Barlow describes it as the “performance of the series”.

20:43: Gary Barlow introduces the next act. “The totally beautiful Marcus Collins“. This theme week should suit Marcus. The key word of course is “should”. Hope I don’t give him the kiss of death.

20:42: Who’d have though one of Tulisa’s Club Classics would be Shalamar? Truly a night of surprises.

20:36: After last week’s muddled catastrophe, an improved routine from The Risk to ‘A Night To Remember’. A bit cheesy, but it’s a pass from me. Louis, Kelly and Tulisa love it. Well, I think Kelly loved it. It’s hard to tell sometimes if she’s being angry or enthusiastic. Scrooge Barlow is the only critical voice. It must be his time of the month. He tries to cause a bit or disharmony between the boys by telling them that they need to realise “Charlie is the lead singer”. I smell sabotage from Camp Barlow.

20:33: Tulisa’s first act of the night is The Risk. We see Derry giving Nicole Scherzinger his phone number. We see them meeting JLS in the week. No mention of the new member Ashford. His surprise transfer into Team Risk last Friday is being kept hush-hush.

20:31: The judges have been knocked silly by Colton’s CHOON! Louis calls him a “young Gary Barlow!” (probably because he is white, podgy, can sing, but is a dodgy dancer) Kelly is shouting nonsense and Gary Barlow’s out of his chair.

20:27: Cor blimey, I take it back. Well partially. A bit of DJ Sammy and some trashy Balearic beats for Mr Colton. I’m ready to bust out the big fish, little fish dance moves.

20:25: Craig Colton‘s up now. Anyone else a bit bored of biscuit boy? I though the love for his Adele reworking last week was a bit OTT. Nice guy, but he’s verging too close to Cardle-esque for my liking. If he busts out some ‘Ebeneezer Goode’ or KLF this evening, I’ll take all that back.

20:23: It’s been a bit more Yates’s Wine Lodge or ’70s theme bar than Ministry of Sound so far for a Club Classics evening. Where’s the Ibiza tunes, Madchester rave and Europop euphoria?

20:19: I know for a fact that wasn’t Janet’s first choice of track. She wanted to do ‘Brimful of Asha’. But the story the judges are spinning is that she needs to listen more to Kelly. Gazza and Tulisa give her a telling off. Louis was clearly tying his shoelaces as he claims Janet “put it down” and loved it.

20:16: Next up? The Devlinator! Can the Northern Irish pixie do dance? Well if you count Jackson 5 as dance, yes she can. Ouch! This is horrible. I think Kelly Rowland must have been high on medicine when she picked this track. Janet is struggling to remember the lyrics. Hopefully, the fact that she’s ditched her Rebeckah Brooks haircut will distract the judges from that wonky performance.

20:11: A Madonna/Dead or Alive G-A-Y mash-up from Johnny. It couldn’t have been camper if Dale Winton had flown across in pink speedos. Gary Barlow describes it as “bad pantomime in Scarborough” and claims that he is making a “mockery” of the competition. Barlow’s playing the big bad wolf again. This grumptious behaviour is what forced Robbie Williams out of Take That.

20:08: It’s a Club Classics night on The X Factor. First act of the night? It’s Johnny Robinson. I’m guessing that it won’t be an ’80s acid rave track.

20:06: Kelly Rowland has made a miraculous recovery. She’s high-fiving Tulisa. All is beautiful and harmonious in X Factor land again. Or is it? Louis Walsh mocks Rowland’s case of the sniffles with a mock cough. Naughty, naughty Louis.

20:04: Good news, Kelly Rowland is back. Alexandra Burke is sat at home LOL-ing and OKDOTCOM-ING from her sofa. Bad news, Dermot O’Leary is doing his dancing girls intro again. Stick to the X Factor spin, Dermot. Your shoulder shuffle isn’t ever going to match the Brucie fist-to-forehead classic.

20:02: It’s Fireworks Night. I will do my best to avoid puns about “sparklers” and “bangers”. I can’t make the promise that the judges will do the same.

20:01 Having just witnessed Russell Grant dancing on a bucking bronco, I doubt this evening can get any more ridiculous. But I’m sure The X Factor will do its best. If anyone can top that, Louis Walsh can.

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Filed under Celebrity Lifestyle · Tagged with Classics, Club Classics, X Factor